Dickheads Find Solace In Papaya Farm

Juices are building up pressure in dickheads' schlongs for more than ten days now, causing obvious swellings that is so apparent no baggy pants can hide. Girls passing by flashing their boobs, swaying right and left, jerking up and down, making waves of lactating breasts men will insist to squeeze.

These dickheads - three of them - more like stooges, will always gather at a place, usually at Burnt Dick's, where Pinky Dick and Skinny Dick will come over and sprawl a plan on where to go, what color of papayas they need to squeeze, and how many shoots are they capable of on that particular night.

Burnt Dick tops the chart with self proclaim "Super Expandable Schlong with the Capability of Handling Multi Orgasm" although Pinky claims the same either. Well Skinny because of thick wallet that he possesses, resort to softer papaya in the private room. The quality tops the other two. Well money can buy anything right, so does Papaya in this context.

Three full hours of pure joy, they claim 'We Are The Fucktards In The Merryland'.

These fucktards/dickheads are going again, hunting for the best papaya in the best farm ever. Well, money should not be any constraint they say, we will pay you, more than we willing to splurge.

We'll see fucktards.

Hari Ini Dalam Celaka

Kompeni aku baik. They splurged their almost depleted monies by giving bonus kepada kami - manusia yang tak reti bersyukur. Aku sebenarnya bersyukur, tapi does not mean aku berhenti kerja, bonus aku dapat sikit.

Hati aku sudah gegar. Panas naik telinga. Telinga aku merah gila sebab bengang.

Nasib baik aku nampak sweetheart. Haha

Pejal, aku bukan bercakap mengenai Puan Yahoo ataupun Tora. Haha.

Ko tanya pun aku takkan cakap.

Haha lagi

Kuantan Rumah Vacant Banyak Tapi Tak Boleh Sewa

Ada hari tu aku pergi rumah cari rumah dekat Kuantan sebab aku dapat kerja baru di Gebeng. Rumah banyak, tapi nombor telefon tarak.

Lain kali kalau nak tinggal rumah kosong tanpa indication, letak la

"RUMAH INI BUKAN UNTUK DISEWA"

Kan senang.

Orang Essendon Gorgeous Gila

Dah dua hari aku dekat Essendon. Orang Essendon handsome dan cantik cantik belaka.

Aku tak mahu pulang.

Kisah Seorang Wan Belon

Wan Belon is my dear friend, we worked together before, dinner together, went to the Jusco together, all in all, he is such a good friend.

Aku nak cerita lagi. Tapi jam sudah 5.30pm.

Aku balik dulu!

*sambungan Kisah Seorang Wan Belon*

Wan Belon more or less is a decent fucker, soft spoken, talks lesser than no one else and has a freaking good sense in fashion. He used to sit three tables away from me, minimizing his IE window just to check any other opportunities to steal and getting away from his current company (ie my company) to find his eternal solace.

And he did just nice, with a minimal effort of interview sessions, he secured a job in government. What most will proclaim "The hardest position to be penetrated in goverment sector". Well, anyone can say so, but I believe, the hardest thing to get in your life, is to fuck a mother of whole dolphins without being smacked dead on your head.

That's the hardest by far.

So he has left The Company with a little pride on his sleeve. Most of his pride has been stripped away down the toilet. Do not ask me why. You can ask Binjai.

Or the guard at Jusco. Hahaha ampunkan aku Binjai.

(Off the record: Dulu aku pernah ingat Binjai dengan Wan Belon adalah pasangan gay sebab mereka mesra bersama. Aku masih memerlukan pengesahan Makmi. Setakat ini they live in denial)

Time flies by unnoticed, it was worth of 4 months without him in the company, and I was the one who noticed that aku dah kehilangan seorang membe yang boleh dibuli. Aku merindui Wan Belon.

Then Azman's wedding materialized a few weeks shy to June. Faizal, Binjai, Wan Belon and I thought it was good if we could spend some time at Batu Pahat at Azman's Wedding Venue. It was a hotel. Nice secluded hotel in a town of most cowboys deny to stay. Batu Pahat.

Ahhh bugger. Aku malas taip panjang panjang. Senang cerita macam ni la, on the way balik Batu Pahat, Pejal take over drive kereta aku selepas Binjai dan aku cakap aku tak nak drive. Kenapa kami tak offer Wan Belon aa? Haha

Pejal pun drive la kereta aku dari Batu Pahat sampai ke Nilai. Along the road tu, kami singgah banyak tempat. Makan Mee Bandung Muar, makan durian kampung, makan kerang bakar berempah, memang layan mata kuyu je. Tapi part Mee Bandung tu aku tak berapa puas hati sebab brader tu hantar dua mangkuk lagi lambat. Nasib baik aku tak makan habis sebab Wan Belon habiskan mee aku. Haha

Dah exit Nilai, tiba tiba Pejal offer Wan Belon drive kereta aku. Erm, dia sorang yang skillful mungkin, getus hati kecil aku. Maksud aku skillful driver. Bukan skillful dari segi lain. Tapi sangkaan aku meleset.

Berikut kronologi pemanduan Wan Belon yang skillful

1) Keluar Tol Nilai, Wan Belon unskillfully sped terus masuk lane tengah walaupun dia dari lane paling kiri dengan tak tengok cermin kiri, kanan dan belakang. Bila Binjai tanya, Wan Belon jawab

"Aku tak biasa sangat bawak kereta auto bhai. Aku manual sumpah hebat gila"

Kami bertiga pandang sesama sendiri, dan membunyikan 'Hmmm' secara sekata.

2) Wan Belon absofuckinglutely a good driver sebab dia bawak kereta makan jalan orang. Nak tegur member kang kecik hati. Dah la Wan Belon jenis mudah terasa.

Binjai: Wan, kiri sikit Wan. Kiri sikit
Wan Belon: -----

Aku: (d*&*&F(**$&@)

3) Beliau bawak kereta macam Kovailanen sebab dia accelerate 140kmph 300 meters away dari roundabout. Mungkin ini first time Wan Belon drive kereta mewah bertransmisi auto, sampai kepala stone tekan pedal macam baru layan pot.

4) Dekat roundabout, dia terus masuk lane paling kanan padahal ada moto dekat belakang tengah speeding. Sikit lagi nak kiss bumper kereta mewah aku. Mamat naik motor 125Z angkat tangan sambil middle finger in the air. Binjai tengok mamat tu sambil senyum, then Binjai cakap

"Sorry bang. Kawan saya tak pandai bawak kereta auto"

Huhu

Haha


Nightmare kami belum berakhir.


5) Dekat Pekan Salak (kami masuk Pekan Salak bound to Kuarters KLIA sebab aku nak beli teh ais mampan) Wan Belon drive scary bedengung (scary berdengung = scary gila versi Kedah. Aku main reka ja. Haha). Dia drive sangat ke kiri and almost langgar kereta yang park dekat tepi jalan. Fuck serious one hell of the scariest moments in my life.

6) Dah lepas Pekan Salak, dia bawa kereta kat area kampung. Sebab dia sangat skillful, dia drive sampai keluar dari jalan, then langgar lubang besar cam gampang, then tayar aku pecah sebab terkoyak. Nasib baik rim tak bengkok.

Masa tu aku cool. Aku kan pemaaf.

Sampai sekarang pun aku cool sebab aku tak suka marah kawan aku.

Tapi cool pun, sponsor la sikit bhai.

Hahhahahahha

(p/s: Lepas pegi kedai tayar tukar tayar, aku drive sampai rumah. Dalam kereta dia tukar topik ke topik Awek Aku Apa Hal Off Phone 2 Hari. Pejal dengan Binjai layan. Aku senyap. Lepas tu aku kena tuduh gay. Haha)

Engkau Yang Useless

Two months of doing nothing except blogging is nothing but super cool. It feels so ethereal that no one comes near to you and throw pungent stinky shits on your face and scream at your face, and no scary deadlines, no data manipulation, no simulation, no nothing.

Well, at one point, the feeling of being useless is so unavoidable, with people keep on approaching me and ask one clever question (I know they are trying to be nice, promoting good gesture just to start a conversation) like

"Bila last?"

Ooohhhh most of the times, I smile (senyum tunjuk gigi) and say,

"Tak lama lagi"


Masuk kali ni, dah 2 kali aku resign. Ermm, do not ask me why, suffice to say that I look forward to better opportunities, I grab everything that comes.

Aku bukan jenis tolak rezeki. Orang offer, aku sebat. But the offer must fulfils a few criteria in my list. Kena la jadi pandai kalau nak hidup lama.

Tapi semua di atas bukan sebab kenapa entry ini dibuat. Aku taip entry ini sebab aku memang tak ada kerja.

And that is the reason why I start blogging again.

Hohoho~

Holla Hoofter!

Colleague aku, Benedict ajar aku mencarut. Dia ajar aku perkataan Hoofter walaupun aku memang dah tau maksud perkataan tu, aku buat buat amaze bila Benedict melaung cakap Hoofter kat aku.

"Hoofter tu apa Ben?"

"Hoofter tu macam u lah"

"Oo kacak dan hensem, genius dan memikat"

"Bugger"

Ben sekarang dekat France. Aku harap bila dia balik nanti, dia tak import sekali H1N1.

******

Hidup aku lonely. Sebab tu aku reload prepaid mobile aku RM60 setiap 2 bulan. Yes fuckers, you heard me right.

RM60/2 months = RM30/month.

Gila lonely.

Abang aku pakai RM400 sebulan. Gila membazir.

Biarlah aku mengamalkan konsep wasatiah.

Amin.



Info: Ben berkomunikasi dengan aku menggunakan Bahasa Inggeris. Tapi dia boleh berbahasa Melayu sebab mak dia orang Indonesia.

Aku Rasa Groggy

I was prescribed with many packs of medication to cure my current unknown Influenza from my doctor last two days. She was concerned that if I ever been to any country outside Malaysia recently, and I said No, and I said that probably I would be going to Rio De Janeiro *hmm* next week, and Bangkok next month, and Mexico this coming August, and Prague on August too.

Of course it was a big fat stinking lie.

She said it would be better if I cancel those trips. I said OK. Haha

The thing is, I love the ubat selsema. Rasa macam high and stone semacam, lepas tu kepala rasa groggy, then mata kuyu tak ingat.

Semalam, it was the same thing. Aku balik kerja at 6pm, took my dinner, lepas tu telan ubat. At 8pm, kepala rasa berat gila lepas tu aku tidur. Woke up at 0045, kepala still rasa light headed dan aku resumed tidur.

Pagi ni aku rasa fresh. Maybe aku patut makan ubat selesema lagi malam ni.

Tebuan Buku

I read before I sleep. Everynight. It is a must. Last night, when I read The Memory Keeper's Daughter, a puzzling word muncul tiba tiba depan mata.

Wasp.

What kind of word is that?

Aku text Asmadi.

Wasp tu apa? Reply me ASAP

Phone flashed with a message.

Tebuan. Also an acronym for white anglo saxon protestant referring to upper class whites in the US

Aku untuk menunjukkan courtesy yang baik, then replied

Thanks. Tebuan yang aku cari. Aku telah kena reject oleh orang yang aku minat

Asmadi: I'm going to sleep. We'll talk tomorrow

Aku: Fucktard. Kerek gila. Macam Sheila Mambo

Asmadi: Babi. Aku imsomnia. The fact that I can sleep this early is miracle. Now I can't sleep, Fucker!

Aku: ---


Its OK. Aku dah tau maksud Wasp.

Selamat malam. Haha

Lawak Para Manager Buat Aku Blank

My company loves to do redundant tak perlu meetings every morning. The matters like achievement and what not fill the first 30 minutes of our everyday working life. And then, at the end of it, Mr Chairman needs to make dumb of himself and tells story of sometimes *ehem* un-funny.

Pagi ni ada meeting lagi. As usual, one by one talked about their achievement and breakdowns and the likes. And tiba tiba when it came to story sharing session, semua manager gelak gelak. Then this one big bulky oversized manager came in front with papers of unknown, then manager gelak gelak.

I was like WTF?

And then another manager buat lawak genius macam gampang, lepas tu gelak.

Semua orang blank. Aku included.

Lawak manager serius memerlukan IQ yang tinggi untuk difahami.

Aku Muda Dan Rubbery

Aku agak girang kerana umur aku dipaparkan sebagai 24 pada profile blogger aku. Aku sebenarnya 25 tahun. Tapi secara teknikal, umur aku masih 24.

Senang senang anggaplah aku 24 forever.

Semalam aku, right after aku balik kerja, aku singgah satu gerai jual durian. Aku beli 2 biji.
Tiba tiba hari ni aku selsema. Mungkin penjual buah durian itu ada contact dengan penjual buah durian di Filipina atau Indonesia.

Aku risau aku dapat H1N1 sebab aku masih muda dan rubbery.


Update: Doktor company aku bagi aku cuti. So aku balik dulu. Adios

Perempuan Memang Complex

Disebabkan perkhidmatan aku di company aku sekarang no longer needed (bukan sebab aku kena buang, tapi sebab aku berhenti kerja), aku ada banyak masa untuk update blog dan melakukan perkara yang sia-sia. It has been more than a month now aku duduk depan PC sambil surf internet tanpa rasa guilty.

Aku juga banyak buat benda bodoh. Like chatting on IPMessenger with colleagues who happen to have a lot of works. By a lot, I do mean A Lot.

Tadi aku IP Siti Amirah. Sebab Amirah paling laju balas IP aku balik. Lagipun Shahrul cakap Amirah hot. Aku IP Amirah sebab nak bagi Shahrul jealous walaupun Shahrul dah lama berhenti kerja dan sekarang berpeleseran di jalanan.

It went as usual, I IP-ed her, and she IP-ed me back. And then Amirah came with a confusing sentence. Sila lihat figura di bawah.

Aku sebenarnya tak faham apa yang Amirah cakap sebab most of the times, dia cakap memang agak melalut. Tapi kalau verbally, boleh pulak faham. Memang agak kompleks.

Then sebab aku rasa pelik, aku pun teringin nak IP Faizal. The message that SUPPOSEDLY intended to Faizal sounded like this.

Sila perhatikan line warna biru. It was wrongly sent to Amirah instead. Aku cerita kat Faizal. Faizal cakap aku bongok

Lepas tu Amirah IP balik kat aku.

Dia pun cakap aku Bongok.

Tak pasal pasal aku kena belanja seafood.

Abah Azman (Encik Abdul Jalal) Can Do Miracles

Azman's father spends most of his time at home, as what most of retirees will do. Being in AJ's family, each member has their own specialty, to be paraded at their workplaces, at home, almost to everyone. Kalau mereka berlakon dalam cerita X Men, mereka mungkin mutant generasi ke-3.

But they are no X Men. They are the people of Batu Pahat.


Satu hari, Bahrin berkata kepada Azman,

"Aku boleh buat sebut rrrrrrrr dengan hujung lidah keluar dari bibir sambil digigit dengan gigi" (aku tinggalkan tempat kosong sebab aku dah lupa Bahrin ada kelebihan apa *edit: Azman dah bagitau aku so aku dah penuhkan tempat kosong*. Tapi percayalah, ia sesuatu yang hebat).

Azman terkejut dan perplexed dan mesmerized dan bewildered dan gobsmacked dan felt like Bahrin adalah freak and bizarre at the same time. It was like a complete charcoal of difference sebab sebelum ini Bahrin adalah pendiam dan tidak pernah bongkak menunjukkan kelebihan diri.

Azman went home to tell his father about this miraculous event, that he hailed as the most magical act he ever saw in his life.

Abah Azman dengar sambil menguap. He did not look amazed as opposed to Azman's reaction.

"Abah boleh gosok gigi sambil bersiul"

Azman sekali lagi gobsmacked, perplexed dan cuba membuat aksi yang sama setiap pagi. Setiap kali Azman bersiul ketika menggosok gigi, foam dari ubat gigi yang penuh dalam mulut bersembur, dan agak sukar untuk menggerakkan berus gigi ketika acara siulan sedang dilakukan.

Azman gagal.

"Why don't you show me how lest you told be a big freaking lie"

Abah Azman pun membawa Azman ke bilik air.

Abah Azman tanggalkan gigi palsu beliau, dan mula menggosok sambil bersiul.

"FUCK. AKU LUPA ABAH AKU PAKAI GIGI PALSU"



AJ's family can do miracles.

Meeting Tak Ada Hasil Memang Boring Macam Sial

I went to a meeting just now. The room was jam packed with other eager engineers. As usual it was a plain boring meeting. No input, so many overrated output.



I wrote down a message and passed it to Faizal. He replied. And I replied. And it becomes a transcript of conversation that can be understood for those who understand either/neither:



a) My wiggly handwriting

b) Faizal's wiggly handwriting

c) Our topic of conversation



Then tiba tiba Faizal berkata kata sambil cover mulut takut engineer poyo dekat depan dengar,



"Aku tengok macam artistik", sambil belek kertas putih yang aku jadikan props untuk wayang aku dalam meeting.



"Apa yang artistik?"



"Ni. Kertas kita tulis ni. Bhai, baik ko scan letak dalam blog ko", mata Faizal bersinar. Macam baru bertemu Cleopatra yang boss aku minat sangat.



OK lah. Demi ko Pejal.

Aku Segan Nampak Schlong Then Aku Edit

Sun was rising up gradually over time. The morning was hot and humid, haze was clouding the vision, people were bustling on the road raging for early breakfast.

Faizal and Riduan were wide awake with breakfast coupons in their hands, handed by Azman. Shahrul and I were left in the room, stomachs with stomping sounds.

"Bhai jom ah sarap"

"Kejap, bagi aku pakai seluar"

OK. Then I snapped.

"Bhai, konek aku nampak bhai"

"Takpe, boleh edit"

Haha

Pengantin Gila Aviator

I still don't get why bridegroom has to wear an aviator during his wedding ceremony? Bloody hideous, beyond words.

To all husbands to be, I am begging you to refrain yourself to not wear any aviators/sunglasses if do not want to be convicted as fashion criminals.

Fuck I hate it.

Sex Atas TV Adalah Fragile

I could not remember whether it was a TV ad or a TV show. But definitely it was aired on the TV. Then the surge of ideas were unstoppably flowing in though I have to admit that it was not 100% original coming from my grey matter.

I had improvised it. Giving my touch. This is not cute nor professional. But I still love my work.

Sex On TV was the crossbreed of pure mind of mine and the mass explicit sexual content of mass media propaganda.

p/s: I believe I have a pure mind.

Pollen Putih Dan Langit Biru

Whitish pollen being blown hard by the wind, leaving the fountain grass alone on its own, seeds dispersed and sailed curvaciously by the breezy air. One good thing, these seeds were travelling with perfect bluish sky just right above them, not to worry the wet heavy rain that would wash them down, before reaching its predetermined destination.

Love life can be so like pollens.

Ku sangka panas sampai ke petang, rupanya hujan di tengahari

I just guess so.

Almost Half Of The Century

When I needed money when I was in college, I did not sell hotdogs alone. That did not give me much satisfactions that I needed.

I resorted to making tags for events. I am still making such things, if anyone insists.

25 is half a half a century. I need my youth back.

Mandi Berdua Lebih Baik

I bath regularly. Mostly on shower. The bathtub always there if I need some music to fill up the space.

Bathing alone in the bathtub is never fun. Two people cramp in that oval like marble, is totally perfect!

Kanta Cembung Dan Simpang

Reports in hand, job load decreased dramatically, and I was in my last three days in Kusatsu before returning home.

As I walked pass many offices, there was a reflective convex glass in between two green paved alleys connected to a junction. I thought that this might be good. I snapped and it was blurry. As expected from shaky hands like mine.

Yamaguchi san was waiting in the lobby. Dinner was expected to be served in a restaurant nearby.

Point and shoot camera, flash was on. And it was a disaster.

Yamaguchi san was waiting. I better get going.

Olden Days

I used to be in a healthy BMI, not until recent years. I weigh a few stones shy to one tenth of a tonne.

I need to shred these lipids as my size is not that marketable, you know.

This Girl

This girl had been featured in my fotopages, many yonks ago. But still she remains one of my favorite subject matters ever, since my involvement in photography, five years back then. The darkened sky illuminated her unintentional blurry body, embossing a strand of willpower, a power to win, though the end line still was not visible.

I wished I had portrayed her in a crisp form, but this unintentional blurriness brought a sense of peace and sheer determination.

Well, maybe I am a wee bit too mellow.

Ours Is Original

I was in my junior year, the youth was taking the best shape in me, and so did the money. The money was scarce at that time, so we had to - by any means - find other sources of income. What with sardine-packed classes and tutorials, labs, boys hang out - time has to be rationed proportionally.


Not to burden old folks at home, Tariq came out with the idea that we start selling hotdog to the students next door. The business went extremely well. A huge influx of money flowing in, and the burden eased at a lightning speed.


The business went dead when we left college many years ago. But still, the authenticity and the logo remains fresh in our memories.

Two Days Ago

Two weddings in a row. Both are good friends of mine. Glancing to the joy dispersed from their smiles, I pondered when was about the time that I would be the guy in the picture, too. With fancy colorful traditional costumes, with roses on the table, and the upcoming nights of nervewrecking and bewildering anticipation.

Little efforts and actions shall pave the way to the cease of being a single in front of my name.

Time will tell, for sure.

June

It was on one late afternoon on a highway from Goose Green to Wineham. The air was damp, the sun was low, the temperature was comforting.

If this journey made you realized that I needed you more than anything, I would be one of those princes who could live happily ever after.

1995

One full glass of iced tea, being accompanied with one of the best friends ever, melted the evening serenely. This guy, who used to share the same space with me for the past four years in college, might know me better than I do.

This best friend, that I love, is the one I am missing right now.